Too Much of a Good Thing
When it comes to mortality and living for today, the idea of a bucket lists is never too far behind. As much as I like the idea of completing all the things I’d give anything to do before I die, I don’t need the undue pressure.
We deal with enough as MSers as it is — just getting through what is already on our plate is enough of a trick. Let’s treat the bucket list as a lighthearted wish book, not as some kind of must-do pressure cooker.
I dream of traveling to Africa to see elephants in the wild. This may not ever be in the cards for me. Regardless, I don’t have to leave this life without experiencing as much as I can, with at least the tools and abilities I have in front of me, right here and right now.
What Simple Thing Have You Never Done?
I now entertain the things I used to always put on the backburner or label as silly, though I was curious about them.
I go out in the rain for absolutely no reason other than the realization that I want to know what it feels like. I have told a few people about this — some totally get it, and others have looked at me as though I am crazy.
No matter, I know now what it is to be out in the rain. I experienced the smells, the sounds, and the feel of drops on my skin without a care in the world. I went against the instinctual drive to seek shelter.
I have lived a tiny little dream and my heart opened up to it. I smile every time I think about it.
Anything you can do to raise your spirits, no matter how ridiculous you think it may be, could be exactly what you need to feed your soul.
Sleep on the opposite side of the bed for a night, empty out the junk drawer, or wear mismatched socks for the hell of it. These are all small things that prove to us that we have some fun control over our sometimes, not so fun situations.
Throw a Curveball Once in a While
When we throw curveballs into our daily routines, we find there is less time to dwell in the fear of an end result. We are too busy considering all the fun little options that might feed our souls, and raise our spirits, even through the pain and frustration of MS.
We deserve these mental breaks and they can be joyfully habit forming.
As I mentioned before, one of the easiest meters to use when allowing your spirit to take the wheel is to simply ask, “What is the worst that can happen?”
I can always dye my hair back to brown if my dream of being a blond was not what I thought it might be. I am allowed to just stop reading the book I always wanted to read, now that I realize I hate it. I can look forward to taking the scenic route home from work on occasion instead of sitting monotonously each day on the freeway.
By checking in with your intuitive self you can choose things that simply feel good.
Is This It?
I find the times that are hardest to listen to my own advice are through relapses and symptomatic periods. The fears of mortality and all the complications take a fairly firm hold of my thoughts — I suppose I could say I feel a bit closer to death at these times.
I begin to wonder, “Is this it?” I become anxious, wondering where it is all going to lead.
“Am I stuck like this now or is this a short relapse?” “Is this the point of no return?” I become more and more stressed as highly symptomatic days wear on.
Comedy Is Not Pretty
Of course we are told that stress and emotional upheaval can exacerbate our symptoms. This is an ironic conundrum that would almost be funny if it were not so cruel.
I hear my inner voice saying, “OK, so your legs are so numb, you cannot walk. The important thing is not to worry about it.”
I have not yet found a true remedy to quell my fears in these periods. Feeling sympathy for myself while being terrified of losing control over my own body is what makes me human.
I cherish what I have and do not want to lose it. Relapses remind me there is no going back with MS and I see them as glimpses of what my future may hold.
Reaching out, Going In
There are times when I turn to the MS community for a boost. I hit social media and reach out on forums. There are so many of us who ‘get it.’
The fact that we are not alone — that even at our worst, we can be our best — is a testament to living well in spite of the odds.
In my more isolated, contemplative times, I begin to come around. I tell myself again and again that I’m still me. MS can take a heck of a lot, but it cannot steal my soul.
I am who I am no matter what, and I intend to fight in whatever capacity I can to get the most out of this spin around the globe.
There Is More to Life
I have taken a hard look at what it means to truly live lately. MS led me to wanting — needing — to seek a deeper meaning and purpose to my life, so I became a volunteer. I spend many hours per week helping others get through some hard times and difficult situations.
Volunteering my time and attention gets me out of my own head and allows me to practice what I preach. As bad as things get for me, there are always others who could use help from another, who has just a bit more to give. Volunteering feeds my soul and I am grateful to have given it a try.
Looking Back in the Mirror
I think back to when I was that little kid looking in the mirror, hoping I would not see the silly face I made at my brother staring back at me. I tried to think of what I could do to never let that happen.
I know now there is only one thing you can do: you can refuse to dwell on it.
Out of all the things we cannot control, we do have things we can control. We can choose to live as fully as possible with what we have right now.
We can love a little deeper, play a little harder, work with a bit more purpose and maybe, with a little prodding from our inner child, we can use the good china.
